L Of The K
by Lord Kristine
Summary: A spooftacular reimagining of epic proportions.


"Run . . . RUN!" Owen shouted, dashing across the open field in panic. Claire turned to face the rumbling titan on the horizon, which even now threatened to erupt in a shower of liquid-flame and toxic, billowing fumes, thus wiping out all life on the island. The end was near. It was only a matter of time before they would all be consumed by a lethal wave of fire and ash.

. . .

Meanwhile, on the rim of the volcano, standing over a pit of hot, bubbling lava, a very frustrated dragon tapped her toes and peered at her watchless arm.

"What's the freakin' holdup?! He should have _been_ here by now!"

The Stegoceratops sitting by her side peeked over her shoulder at the gaping maw of a long, dark tunnel that led to the lava-pool.

"Did you tell Chris that he was supposed to run in and bite your finger off or whatever? . . ."

"Ew! No! I don't want any finger-biting . . . outside of the bedroom."

"Okay, then what _did_ you tell him to do?"

"Nothing."

The Stegoceratops did a double-take.

"Excuse me, what?"

The dragon snuffed pompously.

"Relax, Penny. He knows what to do. I told him to be Gollum."

"Uh-huh. And from that sentence alone, he's supposed to extrapolate that you expect him to show up and throw that magic ring into the volcano? . . ."

"Of _course_ not!" she barked, "I expect him to show up, steal the Ring, then scream in terror as I chuck him into the fiery abyss."

"And you think he'll be . . . _okay_ with that?"

She shrugged.

"Well, if we were aiming for complete adaptational accuracy, he wouldn't be screaming as he dies, but he has a frail disposition, you see, so he's probably not going to be able to hold it in when he hits the lava. I'm willing to let that detail slide, though, because I'm a good friend."

"But you're still going to murder him? . . ."

She laughed.

"I've pushed my fair share of close friends into active volcanos. He might very well survive. 'Course, I've only ever seen that happen with dragons . . ."

"How can you let someone you care about _die horribly_? How can you kill them just for the sake of a reference?"

"Like you said: just for the sake of a reference. Though I prefer the term 'homage' or 'spooftacular reimagining of epic proportions'."

The Stegoceratops shook her head.

"So much death . . . so much pain . . . And all in service of a cupcake ring . . ."

The dragon scoffed with exaggerated offence.

"Not just _any_ cupcake ring! The One Cupcake Ring of Power: our MacGuffin!"

"You literally plucked it off a two-dollar cupcake, Elkay. It's more _McMuffin_ than MacGuffin."

The dragon frowned.

"For your information, McMuffins are _very_ different from cupcakes. One is a breakfast pastry with varied meat elements, and the other is a delicately-crafted dessert."

"From which you obtained an evil ring."

"Yes."

There was a long pause. The dragon sighed.

"I can't believe we rode across the island on Paramolochs, fought with the goblins, battled a troll, got captured by queer-coded orientalist stereotypes on war elephants, and all to finish with no climax whatsoever."

"Judging by what you got up to with those elephants, I'd say that isn't true."

"Well, they DID let us go."

She wheeled around angrily.

"Because they wanted you to leave them alone! You wasted precious time on . . . _eugh_ . . . 'multiple rounds'- your words, not mine- and look where it got us!"

"I thought they'd have more stamina."

"Gross. Hey, why do the elephants talk, anyway? You never explained that. Are they Asterparan?"

"No."

"Are they magic?"

"No."

"Then what-"

"LEAVE IT ALONE! SOME ELEPHANTS JUST TALK, OKAY?!"

Penny shrunk back. After another long pause, the dragon began to turn the Ring pensively in her claws.

"I was hoping for a dramatic ending. I told the eagles- they owe me a favour- to swoop in with that beautiful music playing and rescue us- the eagle leitmotif goes well with the Jurassic World theme- but you can't have a Deus Ex Machina without . . . well . . . without a _reason_ , I guess. I can't very well hitch a ride with the plot convenience eagles unless we're in danger."

"Which I do not want, by the way."

"Mhm."

The dragon gazed at the Ring hypnotically.

"All I wanted was some closure. By destroying this ring, I'd be severing my ties with the core franchise, and perhaps that would then be enough to make me feel better about another canon overshadowing my own . . ."

"Ah. So your version of therapy is playing out fantasy stories written for children?"

"I'm going to ignore that mischaracterization of Tolkien's work and ask you how this reflects on my character."

"Well, I'm not surprised . . ."

"Am I so predictable?"

"I wouldn't have guessed it on my own, if that makes you feel better . . ."

"I see. Well, I suppose the mature thing to do would be to drop our MacGuffin into the volcano and accept that this whole journey was in service of nothing. Our quest, our story, the entire canon we built up . . . it will all vanish, like smoke."

"Smoke doesn't vanish."

"It . . . yeah, fair enough," she muttered, "Well, here goes nothing . . ."

She turned over her paw, ring resting on her yellow palm. It dropped, gaining speed until it landed in the molten rock with a gentle plink. The dragon's ears hung by her cheeks.

"Well, that's the end of-"

Suddenly, the earth began to shake. Mount Sibo was erupting!

"OH, FUCK! EAGLES, WHERE ARE YOU?!" the dragon wailed.

Penny yelped as a fleck of lava hit her toe.

"No time for eagles! Beam us out of here! . . . NOW!"

They were enveloped by ribbons of magic, which constricted until the two of them disappeared into nothingness. The fiery mountain continued to shake, cracking its very foundation.

A small troödon dashed through the mouth of the cave, panting heavily.

"Sorry guys, I got lost on my way up the . . . Oh, son of a-"

And with that, the volcano erupted.

***LOTK***

The two friends found themselves in a puzzling place, a place they could not identify. There was nothing odd about the location itself, except that they had not planned on arriving at this destination in particular. It appeared to be an office of some kind.

"Why are we not home?" Penny asked.

"I . . . I don't know," the dragon replied, baffled, "This was the most direct path to safety. Or at least to a world without the danger of . . . like, an active volcano. This is so bizarre . . . it's almost as if we were meant to-"

They realized that they were not alone. Someone was standing behind them, seething with rage. Elkay's jaw dropped.

"Oh my god . . . that's the director of Fallen Kingdom!"

Penumbra shook her head, eyes wide as dinner plates.

"No . . . that's the man who killed my people."

Suddenly, he burst into flames. When the fire fizzled out, a giant, red tiger with long fangs stood in his place. Elkay squeaked.

"Oh my god! . . . We slept together once! . . ."

His tail whipped back and forth.

"Onth again, I've underethtimated your abilitieth."

Elkay blinked.

"Uh . . ."

"All you had to do wath drop the Ring into the volcano. All you had to do wath die in a fire. But onthe again, you've fumbled your way out of a life-threatening thituation, and now I have no choithe but to kill you directly."

Elkay's ears folded backwards.

"I'm very confused . . ."

"For yearth, I've been trying to get rid of you," he explained, "I tried to extherminate your characterth, manipulate your father, turn your granddaughter againtht you-"

She started giggling. The tiger snarled furiously.

"Thtop laughing! Ith not funny!"

"I'm sorry! I can't help it!" she squeaked, "Have you ever thought about trimming those fangs of yours, Fang?"

"Thut up! I have a medical condition!"

"Well, gosh, I hope you didn't commit genocide just for _that_ . . ."

"Of courthe not! You killed my brother!"

She winced.

"Erm, actually, my mother did. But I can see why you'd blame me for his death . . . Hey, where's the _real_ Bayona?"

"There ith none . . . Well, there wath Carloth. We took each otherth plathe whenever the need arothe."

"I'm sure it 'arothe' often!" she snorted.

He growled. Wiping away tears of laughter, she caught her breath.

"So you decided to sabotage me in various ways, hoping I'd eventually destroy myself . . . _somehow_?"

"Yeth. But no longer. The time hath come to get rid of you, onthe and for all. No trickth, no manipulation, jutht good, old-fashioned murder."

"This still doesn't make any sense," she mumbled.

He rolled his eyes.

"I won't bother exthplaining it to you. I've wathted too many yearth on thith plan, and now- What ith _he_ doing here?"

Elkay and Penny turned to see the troödon, who was still smoking from the volcano. He stepped forward, charred feathers crackling with each step, baring his teeth at the scarlet feline.

"Let them go."

"Or what?"

Suddenly, time slowed to a halt. Only the troödon and the tiger were unaffected. The minuscule dinosaur lifted his chin defiantly.

"You know who I am?"

"Of courthe."

"Then you know why I can't let you do this."

"What differenthe doeth it make?"

He tapped his largest claw menacingly.

"I've allowed you safe passage between worlds. I could have arrested you many times. I could have taken you back to your remaining family. But I didn't. Instead, I let you get away with your plot, but if you truly intend to hurt Elkay, I won't be permissive any longer."

"You've been keeping your identity a thecret . . ."

"Yes, and you may continue to do the same, as long as you let them go."

"But they-"

"I'll wipe their memories. We can go back to the way things were before this encounter. You will manage your affairs here, and I will keep an eye on the Other Side."

"I want my revenge . . ."

"You've taken so much from her already. Surely, the loss of a grandchild is equal to that of a brother."

"We have other busineth . . ."

"I don't doubt it. Perhaps you will resolve your feud one day. For now, we can afford to wait. You don't know it, but you've broken her in many ways, some of which may never heal. If you let her go now, you'll be out of each other's lives for a good long time."

The tiger pondered this.

"Very well. I won't meddle . . . for now. We will meet again, and when we do . . . Well, don't exthpect me to hold back."

The troödon nodded, then disappeared with the dragon and the Stegoceratops. The tiger smiled.

"Thucker . . ."

***LOTK***

 _And thus it was, the fourth age of TSJPFEW began. The three friends journeyed home, two of them being somewhat confused by their inexplicable escape. Chris assured them that they had succeeded in destroying the Ring, that Elkay would have her long sought-after closure. But the heart is not so easily swayed. Although she had journeyed far to fulfill her quest, when she returned home . . . she wasn't._

 _How do you go on when in your heart, you begin to understand . . . there is no going back? There are some things that cupcake ring therapy cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold._

***LOTK***

Elkay knew in her heart that Claire's story was over, just as Ellie's story was over. And though she still had Lily and Penumbra and Christian and all of the other characters, _her_ story was over, too.

For the time being, anyway.

It was time to journey to another place, another _world_ that needed her help, not as a dragon, but as yet another person trying to make her way, regardless of what fruits her labour bore.

She placed her Star-engraved manuscript on a shelf, next to a line of thick books with similar markings. Jurassic Park, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, _all of Fiction_ was unified by a single Star, The Star she had carried as a burden for many years, which she had passed on to Ellie, to Claire, to Lily. She had united them all, the friends, the families, and so on. She was the common thread in each story, but it was time for her loved ones to write stories of their own. They no longer needed her.

Perhaps there would come a time when she would return, but for now, her fate lay elsewhere. If she had a home, it was not here.

On the way to her own Jurassic World, she passed through another, the soon to be dominant canon, making sure not to arrive at the exact same time as the Fallen Kingdom arc, lest she unintentionally interfere with the characters' lives once more. She drove down a long road, wondering what stories they would write for themselves without her guidance.

And then it dawned on her: these characters, these _people_ , were no longer her own.

She was so overcome with grief that she began to weep openly, devastated by her relative unimportance in the world, and by the untimely death of her legacy.

Through her tears, she did not see the other car coming.

Her vehicle swerved.


End file.
